I don’t know about you, but it seems like there’s a dark cloud overhead. Whether I’m looking at the various hellsites needed to further my career as a self-employed person (ranging from job application websites to social media, and more) or chatting with my gal pals, I’m getting the distinct feeling that we are in… how you say… a bummer period. Like, this very interesting article about how the US is closest to the Soviet Union just before the fall is incredibly informative, and I liked reading it. And I do like to know who’s getting punched outside of synagogues, in case one of them is someone I know (or am related to). Sure, maybe ChatGPT has made everything harder for me and every freelancer I know — many of whom have reported directly to me that they have almost no work1 — but at least it’s helping kids pass their English classes.
Seriously, come on, man. There’s only so much we can take. And with all this bad news, I get the feeling our tiny little monkey brains are going to explode in the near future.
So, to combat the incessant negativity, I’ve compiled a list of good things. Here you go:
Lyndon B. Johnson had a huge penis. He used to wag it at people and piss on the White House lawn.
Dolphins and lions are the only two mammals, other than humans, who gang rape for their own enjoyment. That explains why you’re only really allowed to pet sting rays at the aquarium.
The debate is tonight, which I think is kind of fun. I’ve been looking forward to it. I’m going to make themed snacks for the candidates — Cheetos with little cheese hair for Trump, and a Vyvanse congealed to a Prevagen for Biden.
Freud spent some time in medical school looking for eel nuts. He never found them — just one of many times his balls went missing. Am I right, Amalia Freud? High five!
A “pound cake” is so named because it used to take one lb each of four ingredients: flour, sugar, butter, and eggs. Those chickens are working overtime!
It used to be legal-ish to escape from prison in a number of different countries. I mean, not super legal, but for a while, the natural human inclination was considered to be freedom. So if you broke out, they’d come and get you, but you wouldn’t really get in trouble for the breakout.
We kind of almost found life in space. We’re getting there, I think.
I got married two weeks ago in Italy. That’s good news, right?
If you need more fun facts, check out the Good News Network, which is the only website I will be frequenting for news from now on. Does Iran have the nukes? I don’t need to know — they’re not asking Sara what to do with them. But can this tiny rat drive a car? Absolutely. And it’s in my best interest to have that information at my disposal. I would say the same for everyone, not just me — brain rot is real, and it’s turning me and the people I know into bizarre negativity machines. Hopeless and dejected, I think we all find ourselves in a world now where uncertainty about the future is putting a damper on the present. So be a pal, and share some good news.
After I sent out a flurry of cold emails asking people for work, by the way.